5 Keys to a Successful Blended Family
by
Larry L. French, M.A., L.P.C., L.M.F.T.
“Step-families should be outlawed” is what I thought after only a few months as a new husband and step-dad. I had been doing counseling a couple of years and thought I was an expert on families – and then …. I got married with children. In my attempts to be the very best dad, I did about everything wrong that a person could. Fortunately I was able to discover some very important principles about blended families. If you take these 5 suggestions and apply them to your family, it will revolutionize your household. Just try it and see.
When forming a blended family, mothers, fathers and children come together with their own individual set of hopes, dreams and expectations (and other baggage). Often these expectations are on a collision course. It is an accident waiting to happen – like a pile up on the interstate on a foggy day. These suggestions are provided to help reduce the chances of the “interstate pileup” for your family. Although every family is unique, these five recommendations help insure a more successful transition into the blended family.
1) Clarify everyone’s expectation.
Early in the process of the families coming together, it is important for everyone to talk about what his/her expectations are. It is crucial that everyone be open and honest, even about any negative feelings about the marriage taking place. Everyone’s expectations, hopes, dreams and fears need to be heard and acknowledged. This step is very challenging and for most families it will require several family meetings over a period of time.
2) Natural parent do the “parenting” and disciplining.
The natural parent needs to be the “point person” in the parenting and discipline of his/her children. The parent knows the history behind a child’s behavior. He/she knows how the child is likely to respond to certain types of discipline. He/she knows and understands this child better than anyone else. As the stepparent appreciates the natural parent’s history and understanding of the child, he/she can then be more supportive.
3) Stepparent focuses on enjoying the child.
Beginning to develop a friendship with your stepchild is the most important contribution that you can make to your marriage and stepfamily. It’ is like a checking account at the bank. You can’t make a withdrawal without first making a deposit. When you begin to “parent” or discipline your stepchildren, you are making an emotional withdrawal. When you attempt to make an emotional withdrawal before you make a deposit, you go into the “red”. This results in the classic stepparent – stepchild conflict that continues to grow worse by the minute. If the stepparent understands this principle and focuses his/her attention on becoming really good friends with the stepchildren, a great deal of the family tension will be eliminated.
4) Stepparent quietly assists the natural parent.
Often the stepparent feels left out if they cannot participate in the parenting and discipline of the child. The stepparent’s contribution to the natural parent is to quietly, behind the scenes, provide observations about the child’s behavior that might be missed by the child’s parent. This input can be extremely helpful in raising the stepchild if done in a loving and constructive manner.
5) Consistency and being fair is critical.
Being careful to treat all the children the same is so important. Each child is used to being treated a certain way and has his/her own emotional needs. Parents must work together and develop “house rules” that are consistent for everyone. Some rules will be adjusted for the age and maturity of the child. These variation of the rules need to be discussed with everyone and be maintained in a consistent fashion. Even when parents are diligent about being fair, kids are often overly sensitive to a parent showing favoritism.
For help with your blended family issues, please call VCFR at 434 973-5640.
Copyright © 2008 by Larry L. French, M.A.