Today’s Destructive Plague
The personal, “secret sin” that brings destruction

Larry L. French MA, LPC, LMFT

Every red blooded American does it! It’s just part today’s society. For many years smoking cigarettes was considered the thing to do. It was seen portrayed by actors as the way to impress others (how to be seen as really “cool”). It was also presented as a neutral behavior with no negative consequences. In recent years, scientific studies have shown the damage tobacco use causes.  (And the effects on those around the smoker exposed to “secondhand smoke”.)   NOTE: —  This article is directed primarily toward men but it has the same devastating effects on women.  —

There is a new killer that has taken front stage in our culture. Pornography – porn is an even more insidious destroyer. It’s a plague that eats away at much more than our physical well being. It erodes spiritual well being, mental well being, sexual intimacy, ultimately, destroying the value of human dignity. As a man, whether your married or single, pornography is causing untold devastation to individuals, relationships and families.

This was written in hopes of raising the awareness of the potential dangers and the long-term damage that results from exposure to pornography. Included are a number of ways that this “secret sin” is causing a broad, sweeping destruction in the lives of individuals and families. There are multiple ways of looking at and participating in pornography. There are movies, chat rooms, live cam feeds and cybersex including many different levels of involvement.

1) Looking at porn causes a level of discontent. You see different images of people, in various poses that cause you to desire something that you do not have. Often the models that are photographed are not just “normal” people. Very rarely do women (or men) have the “air brushed” look of the images portrayed.

2) It causes men to be discontent with their spouse because they can shop the internet to find just the perfect image that matches with his ideal “dream girl”. No one ever finds that absolutely perfect person in real life. Some have come close to finding the “perfect love” but everyone has his or her flaws and imperfections.

3) An obsession and addiction is developed by looking at porn. There is an adrenalin rush associated with the pursuit for that “just right” image that is the “turn on”. There is a tremendous amount of time wasted being curious about what’s out there, looking for the right site and that ultimate image.

4) With any addiction, the more one uses, the more one has to have, in an attempt to fill the insatiable appetite. The more one looks at these images, the more provocative, more perverted and sexually stimulating the images must be to gain the same level of sexual satisfaction.

5) Exposure to pornography causes people to compromise their boundaries with the opposite sex. Because of the ongoing involvement in inappropriate sexual images, it lowers one’s moral standard and consequently, opens the door to inappropriate sexual interactions with people in “real life”.

6) Men obsessed by porn, begin to live in a fantasy world. This is a world where you don’t have to deal with the day-to-day problems of real life. You don’t have to deal with conflict with your spouse. You don’t have to deal with the disappointments and hurts of being rejected if your partner isn’t interested. You escape to a world where you have complete control. Consequently, you never learn to deal with conflict and real life heartache. Neither do you experience the joy, fulfillment and satisfaction of a healthy relationship. Bottom line, you just never grow up.

7) The escape to porn, is also a way to deal with pent up anger, frustration, hurt and disappointment. Boredom is a common trigger that opens the door to looking at porn. Rather than using your emotions to motivate you to work through a problem, you escape to your fantasy world.

8) Some researchers have said that addiction to porn, is more difficult to break free of than the addiction to crack cocaine (which is one of the most addictive substances known). How many times have you said, “I’ll never do this again” and then to find within a short time span, you’re right back into it?

9) Looking at porn causes guys to become impotent. Almost always, a man’s interest in sexual relations with his spouse, greatly diminishes because of exposure to porn. Since most of his sexual needs are being met by looking at porn and masturbating, he shows very little interest pursing his wife for sexual fulfillment. Obviously, this then causes the wife to feel unattractive and unloved. This is especially distressing for her when she does not know he is having his sexual needs met by looking at porn.

10) Like most addictions, men begin to experience shame and guilt for the addiction. This “secret sin” then becomes an enormous wedge between him and his wife. Generally the wife is completely in the dark about his behavior, and blames herself for his lack of interest and the distance continues to grow between them.

11) It is not uncommon for the addiction to progress to the level that it costs money – either through porn sites or 900 numbers to which people subscribe. Most couples are already struggling financially. For the wife to realize that she has been being careful with the finances and her husband has been spending money on other women, is very distressing.

12) It is a very difficult addiction to break. Since there is access through the internet, it is very difficult to establish boundaries and safeguards to prevent exposure. Additional, today the computer is used in almost every form of business. Therefore, most people have easy excess to the internet and pornography. Often it is at the tip of your fingers throughout the day.

13) Porn causes men to “objectify” women. We already have a problem in our culture where men tend to treat women as “second rate citizens”. Then to have men objectify women by primarily seeing them as “sex objects” further degrades the value of women in the mind of men. Men turn women into an object to be used – not cherished and valued for all the other wonderful qualities that women have. Consequently, men tend to communicate directly and indirectly to women that they are not appreciated for the whole person that they are. This tends to make the wife want to pull away and ultimately, widens the marital gap.

14) Men’s addiction to porn destroys trust. For most women, it is just as if he was having an affair with someone else. The wife thought that her husband was being faithful and to discover that he’s had this “affair”, is devastating to a relationship. Trust is the “cornerstone” of any relationship. Exposure to porn destroys trust.

15) For the Christian, looking at pornography is a spiritual killer. Jesus’ words to us are simple but yet, so incredibly profound. He understood the human heart and the serious consequences of what our modern day culture considers “normal”. Jesus said, in essence, “Don’t even look at a woman with lustful intent…” He understood that what appears to us as harmless in today’s culture, lust, could start a avalanche that could result in an out of control fantasy world that rules and devastates our lives.

16) As with any addiction, your appetite will grow. Your fascination will progresses from “soft porn”, which, in itself is very destructive, to “hard porn” which is depravity of the human heart at it’s worse. To complicate matters, it is not uncommon to attempt to replicate the images to which you’ve been exposed. Consequently, people act in inappropriate ways that end up getting them into a lot of serious trouble with family, friends and possible with the law. (No one ever had ambitions of being on the sex offenders’ registry.)

17) What kind of legacy will you leave your children? How many of you reading this found your dad’s stash of porn or Dad’s download of images on the computer? Dads, what will your children remember about you related to sexuality? This is not a secret or private behavior. It has a potentially devastating impact on everyone that you are close to and love dearly. On the other hand, have you taught your children to stay alert, guarding their eyes, minds and heart – and to be open and ask for help if they fall into this temptation.

If you’ve taken the time to read this, you or someone you love, is probably already suffering from the devastating effects of porn addiction. The good news is that there are resources available to help aid in your recovery and to get you and your family on a healthy path to wholeness.

Call Virginia Center for Family Relations at: 434 973-5640 or visit us at: www.VCFR.us

Copyright © 2008 by Larry L. French, M.A., LPC, LMFT