Parenting:
Dealing with Difficult Child Behaviors
by Larry L. French, M.A., L.P.C., L.M.F.T.
This is a brief overview of some basic concepts of providing a healthy environment for children to grow and to thrive. Normal healthy parents want the very best for their children. As parents we want our children to grow up confident in their strengths and humble enough to be realistic about the challenges they may face; to have a proper appreciation for who they truly are.
Here are some key elements to helping kids grow up healthy, confident and well adjusted.
Consistency is the operative word on three levels of child rearing.
In general, parents must agree about how they are going to raise the children. (Even if you are a single parent, there must be consistency when it comes to child rearing.) There must be consistency between the parents and how they go about providing discipline and guidance. Often one parent is very strict and the other parent is more relaxed in the parenting style. (The old saying “opposites attract” is true as far as parenting also.) These different styles can be assets when used as a team. One can encourage the other parent to follow through with consistent discipline when appropriate. And the other parent can encourage the use of grace and kindness in the guidance of children. However, when parenting styles collide and a power struggle ensues, a great deal of tension is created for everyone. This often adds to the children’s sense of insecurity and increases anxiety.
The second level of consistency must be in the way that discipline (or consequences for disobedience) is used. To ignore a child that is misbehaving gives the message this behavior is okay. And the child will continue to behave this way. To have a range of responses to a child’s misbehavior also gives a very confusing message. Depending on the parent’s mood and tolerance level, the parent could explode; yelling and screaming at one incident and then telling the child over and over, “if I have to tell you one more time” with lots of threats. Either of these responses, unfortunately, teaches the child to not listen to the parent.
The third level of consistency is the discipline needs to be appropriate for the behavior. For a parent to go into a fit of rage or to passively ignore or to make idle threats only gives the child permission and reinforces the child’s misbehavior. Most of the time when parents “go off the deep end” or do nothing at all, is because the parents are at a total loss as to what to do. There have been a lot of different approaches to discipline, from spankings, to shaming and ridiculing – and everything in between.
Today there are many parenting classes available. An approach that impressed me is 1,2,3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas Phelan. It really is effective and easy to learn. For many years I did parenting workshop and classes. However, after seeing this video, I stopped presenting these classes. The information on this video is so comprehensive and practical. Now I recommend parents watch the video presentation. (Often this video is available at the library. He has a book by the same title – but the video is easy to use and both parents can set aside a couple hours, fix some popcorn and watch it together.)
Without going into too much detail, Dr. Phelan admonishes parents that there are two major mistakes that parents typically make when raising children. He explains “parents say too much and get too emotional when dealing with children”. Additionally, the one “tried and true” approach he recommends is the use of “time outs”. (The child is to be in timeout for one minute for each year old.) Before you completely dismiss the effectiveness of this, please give it some consideration. I think everyone agrees there needs to be some action taken – but what? The use of a few minutes time out –consistently – gets positive results. Also it is safer because it is less likely to be used by parents to release pent up anger on the child. Obviously, a parent going off on a child out of anger is never a good thing. Treating children with respect and at the same time instilling self-discipline is the goal.
Both parents learning these new parenting skills together will help bring unity. After watching the video, give yourself about a week to observe how you interact with your child. Be curious as to how your current parenting style is contrary to Dr. Phelan’s recommendations. Most parents are really shocked. Following the week of observing your own parenting styles, once again (fix some more popcorn) sit down together and watch it. This second watching helps familiarize you with this new way of parenting and makes it easier to implement. Using this approach consistently will help solve one huge issue with which most couples struggle – raising our children. The video is an enjoyable and professionally done presentation about how to deal with your child. His suggestions are practical and give a lot of real life experiences to demonstrate how this works when used consistently. (And, no; although I wish I did, I do not have stock in his company.)
Again the operative word is consistently. In summary, parents can use a variety of parenting styles as long they are used consistently; providing structure and familiar routines for the child. This creates an ideal environment for them to thrive. Both parents are encouraged to work together as a team and use an approach that is consistent with each other. Throughout the day as you are providing guidance to your child, each situation needs to be addressed in a consistent loving manner. Also, there needs to be consistent consequences (without harsh and demeaning words) for your child. In providing boundaries and security for your child, he or she listens to you when you speak; showing respect to you and responding appropriately.
Keeping a child’s “emotional tank” filled is a key ingredient in raising healthy kids too. Here are five vital interactions to have with your child to make sure her or his emotion tank stays filled. 1) Quality time 2) Loving eye contact 3) Gentle nurturing touch 4) Words of affirmation and 5) Availability & time to listen to what’s on your child’s heart. Actually, parents need all five of these interactions also. Let me encourage you to build up your spouse in these ways as well. We all know a happy spouse makes a much better parent.
Thank you for reading this. We know we haven’t answered all your questions in this little, brief summary. We are hoping this will give you hope! There area answers. We wish you the best in your efforts to raise healthy children. If you’re facing family challenges and parenting difficulties, please give our office a call. Our staff of counselors has a variety of resources from which to draw and to evaluate what styles or approaches could be most helpful for your particular situation. We are happy to help in any way possible.
Copyright © 2015 by Larry L. French, M.A., LPC, LMFT